Sleep Paralysis

There were a number of things I wanted to post today (and yesterday for that matter), but over the past couple of months, a recurrent malignant thought flared up again and re-seized control of my mind. Over the years I’d gotten adept at simply suppressing the thought and getting on with my life like most other “responsible” adults, but at this particular point in time, it is actively inhibiting my ability to construct arguments and form cohesive ideas. So direct confrontation seems necessary to get my head back in order assuming that’s even possible.

It should come as no surprise to...well, anyone really, but I am not a public person. I don’t talk about myself or my history with other people. I haven’t written about anything other than video games or things related to them here. And, I’ve never posted any personal information, interests, or even my real name on this blog before (nor have I made them easily discernable). However, this isn’t because I hold my personal life up as some supernatural sacred cow that Must Be Protected™. Rather, I just don’t think it’s interesting, or worth reading about for anyone other than myself (defeating the point of publishing it in a public forum). So, it may come as somewhat of a surprise to long-time readers that, contrary to the laser-focused content of this blog, I do not have a job/“career” (whatever that means) in the gaming industry and have zero interest in getting one.

I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly stated it before and am too lazy to dig through the archive, but in case I haven’t, this blog is not just a portfolio, but my outlet. I have very few friends who play video games and none who are interested in talking about games from a structural or philosophical perspective. So with no one to help me empty or calcify the ideas I’ve accumulated over the decades, I turned my thoughts into writing and placed them somewhere outside of myself so that they can stop eating away at me. However, after four and some change years, I can finally see an end to this purging process (30-40 more entries to go), and thus need to start considering an exit strategy for this blog that falls more in line with whatever non-gaming related career I ultimately end up pursuing. But why NOT gaming? Why turn away from something I clearly have a profound interest in?

Well, it’s partially a matter of history. All my life I’ve wandered from school to school, house to house, clique to clique; never forming any real attachments to things, places, or people; never finding a real home. Video games, however, have been one of the only constants throughout my tumultuous existence, and would thus appear to be a rewarding avenue for me to both pursue and excel in. But, based on my nomadic upbringing, the lack of financial security in the hits-driven industry is an unfathomably powerful deterrent for me. I want, no, I need a solid foundation for my life, and refuse to subsist in the same soul-rending circumstances that far too many industry members continue to endure.

Personal disdain aside however, I also don’t think that any job in the industry would instill me with catharsis, which is the quintessence of my cancerous problem. It’s not that I feel “empty” as that implies that there is a lack of something in my life; a space that needs to be filled. It’s more like I’m a rock floating through space, not moving towards anything in particular, but gradually eroding with the passage of time. But, I don’t want to be a rock. I need a goal; some far off carrot pie-in-the-sky dream to chase after; something that would grant me lasting catharsis; something I can spend years, decades even, working towards with the work itself being a reward. But wait! Before you hit that back key (I can hear the groan through time and technology), know that I have given this a lot of thought and already discerned that the common solutions of sex, fame, and fortune do not apply for me, all of which probably warrant some form of explanation. BUT, it’s a quarter to midnight and I ain’t got time for this shit am sleepy, so I’ll be concise:

Fortune – I’m philosophically opposed to accumulating capital for capital’s sake. I’m extremely far to the Left (or at least by the US’s increasingly BS standards) and capitalism has never appealed to me.

Fame – It's a similar deal, though it could more simply be explained by my perplexing acquisition of Jantelagen. I’m not a particularly competitive person (nor do I think much of confrontational individuals), and fame just seems like another way for people to lie to themselves that their existence is anything other than cosmically insignificant.

Sex/Love – I can’t think of a short answer here…I recognized several years ago that my concatenation of interests has isolated me ideologically (and often physically) from people within my generation and many outside of it, meaning that despite the truly astonishing number of spectacular women I’ve had the fortune of becoming acquainted with over these past few years, I flatly do not believe that there are any fish in the sea for me. And I’m okay with this. I’ve had more than a few years to both make and accept this observation, so it usually only crosses my mind when I notice that a person was expecting me to flirt ((or worse, flirted without me noticing) which is always awkward no matter how smooth you think you are).

So with these earthly aspirations off the table, the only common raison d’être left is fulfillment through labor/creation, to which we’ve already established that video games are not an option. Alas, my current occupational trajectory (teaching) doesn’t seem like it will realize this goal entirely either, which is probably why my subconscious conjured this thought back from the nether saying, "hey, what the fuck are we gonna do?" And really, I don't have a solid answer yet. I've traveled too far down my career path to completely turn back now, nor would I even if I had the power to do so. But, I'm still going through my days as if I'm asleep; comfortably constrained by the blankets and bed sheets I've laid upon myself, but conscious to the fact that I am still asleep and incapable of motion. Just as I've always conquered actual sleep paralysis however, the only answers I see are to either become unconscious and accept the sleep, or move and chase after something else. Of which, I choose the latter, though I have yet to figure out what that "something" is. Oh god, I just realized that I could accurately summarize this entire blog post with the U2 song ISHFWILF. That's it. I'm done. This post is fucked. Thanks for reading.